After the Break

I had to take a break from blogging....somewhere in between working, online chatting, and ranting I developed Tendinitis. I know...it's frickin' lame. But in a way, I guess it was a blessing. Sometimes you just need to put things down and walk away...and the tendinitis did just that. Instead of ranting about my unhappiness in Camarillo or thinking about my next life move, I was forced to focus on my pain and trying to make it better. Granted, I did spend a while thinking about how lame it was that I'm 23 and I have ergo problems already...but it got me to take a step away from my problems for a while.

In this interim period I have gone to an MBA info session, attended a law school class on criminal procedure, and gone out with a couple of guys to break up the monotony of going to work, working out, and contemplating my direction in life.

(I also had several emotional breakdowns the week before Ryan moved out, but I'm going to try erase that part. That week involved a lot of crying and powdered donnettes. At least the donnettes were good. One of my life mottos is that "Bad and painful memories are 10x stronger that the good ones to keep you from making the same mistake twice." So...what did I learn from this experience...1.) screen your roommates. 2.)make sure your room has a lock on it. 3.)your friends are a reflection of you. 4.)if you're thinking about calling the cops...you probably should. 5.) some people are just horrible people and 6.) I'm a lot more evil that I thought I was)

I know this is pathetic on my part, but attention from the opposite sex really helped my outlook. I feel like I approach the day's with a brighter aura. I feel like I'm genuinely smiling...even though nothing has really changed other than Ryan moving out. I guess I really did not like that guy at all.

Am I Being Miserable for Me?

So in the last 24 hours...I've had 2 different people comment on me being miserable...with two completely different stances. Do I enjoy being miserable? Or is it that I'm not content with being miserable that I make my mind do all this idea-dancing...which in turn makes me more miserable? Personally, I'd like to think it's the latter. (Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever said I was miserable...unhappy (yes), depressed (yes), angry(yes)...miserable...i don't think so.) I don't think I enjoy being miserable...why would I put my mind through all of this if I enjoyed being miserable?

With those two comments on being miserable...it makes me think about the short term plan. Is it smarter to try and cover up the unhappiness? Like create distractions, keep myself busy, try and make more friends...and make this life, the one I'm currently living, better. Or should I be trying to make myself more "miserable" so that I make decisions quicker? More of a survival stance....you're going to run faster if you were being chased...rather than just running for fun. Or should I go a third route...not change anything...make it my "control," just to be sure that I know for certain what makes me unhappy or that I'm still unhappy? Right now, I'm so lost...they all sound like a good idea.

My mind made lots of questions today....not a lot of answers. My manager and my co-worker/friend/2-month life partner were very helpful with suggestions...but more suggestions = more things to think about. Lots of questions, not a lot of answers.

Seriously, again?!?!

If the 2008 taught me anything...it's that I have this ginormous fear of commitment...more accurately, it's the fear of being stuck. And 2009, definitely, isn't helping my case.

Today I went for an interview with the Camarillo Health Care District to do some volunteering. It was going to be my new stance to getting to like Camarillo and help the community at the same time. I was interested in being a server at the senior citizen cafe during my lunch break...once a week...every week. (Everyweek! That's progress, right?) Somehow the lady I was interviewing with just didn't understand me. She spoke to me like I was mentally retarded with very slow, simple sentences and lots of hand gestures. And, somehow everything I told her, she interpreted the opposite. Am I so Asian that people don't understand my English?!? I mean, shit...my English is probably better than most people's. If I inserted the word fuck 3x in every sentence maybe my Engrish would have translated better?

I told her 1.) I'm interested in volunteering, 2.)I have a flexible work schedule, but I like to be at work in the mornings and volunteering in the morning would not be a good fit. 3.) I hate driving. 4.) I moved here recently, and this is my way to get to know people and help the community...sounds good right? This was me fighting my fear of commitment. I wanted to help in the position that requires a commitment EVERY WEEK serving food. BUT, that definitely, not what I ended up with. Instead, she signed me up to drive my car to help deliver magazines around the city and send out bulk mail in the mornings. And the volunteering position I requested was available...I found it on craigslist for crying out loud. So I go and take this leap, and now I'm committed to do things I don't like. (I didn't have the heart to say, "I don't want to volunteer here anymore because you're a dumb bitch who can't listen for beans.") Seriously, fuck committment. And fuck me for not being able to speak stand up for myself...now I'm stuck in this undersired world of volunteering as well as consulting.

After I left the Health Care Distrct's office, I sat and cried in my car. Committed agiain. Stuck again. Somewhere between Ponderosa and Avenida Acaso, the sad and frustrated turned into angry. The anger wasn't directed at anyone; it was more of a general angry. I'm angry at myself for getting into these "stuck" situations. I'm angry at myself for committing to my car payments which makes me stay at my job. I'm angry at the rent I have to pay each month and can't leave whenever I want. I'm angry at all of my stuff that makes it hard to move. And mostly, I'm angry at the fuckin' economy for making it so damn hard to find or keep a job. (On the plus side if I moved from sad to angry...does this mean I'm progressing?)

So...this is the plan I came up with today. I'm going to liquidate my committments. I'm going to depleate my bank account and pay off the entire car next month (my savings account makes less interest than the car payment anyway). I'm going to sell/goodwill all the stuff I don't need anymore so that it's easy to move. And I'm going to start studying for the GRE, LSAT and GMAT...so that I can leave this place soon. (And i'm going to buy my lifetime membership to CAA. I have no problems committing to CAL even if it did stomp on my dream. go bears, ruin the dreams.)

What Do I Actually Know?

I feel like this is going to be a long journey. At Cal, the ChemE professors drilled in a thought process flow: 1.) Identify the questions, 2.) make of list of the things you know (the bottom drawer...The Balances: MB, EB, MB), 3.) identify the proper control volume, 3.) make assumptions to get rid of the stuff you don't know (cross cancel and basic science/engineering), 4.) repeat steps 1, 2, and 3 until you can combine the three and get some kind of answer....5.) then use what you know to make some kind of sense of it. Sometimes I feel like this basic process is what separates the engineers from the rest of society...what makes us somewhat awkward to everyone else. It definitely makes me frustrated especially when I can't figure out how non-engineers come up with answers that should have been eliminated in the first couple steps. Arg...frustration.

Anyway...I guess this is what I know...or more accurately...what questions I need to solve:

• During my "Senior Trip" to Japan, I went to Disney Sea with my mom. And of course, at the end of the night Disney ended our magical adventure with a beautiful display of eloquently, musically choreographed pyrotechnics. Instead of enjoying the moment and enjoying the show...I cried. I realized that I had lost my dream. I had wanted to be a pyrotechnician for Disney and the Olympics...and somewhere between ChemE 140 and ChemE 160 I forgot about my dream. This dream wasn't replaced by another dream, or even a specific direction, but it was displaced with a feeling of social obligation. So now that I've realized I have no dream, no path, and no corresponding drive...where do I go from here? Since I was sad about losing my dream do I get back on that path? My dream was to make firework shows and help make people's memories a little more special...but that doesn't really help anyone does it? Why do I feel like Cal STOMPED on my dream and said it wasn't big enough? What dream is big enough? Since I'm an engineer, am I not suppose to have dreams anymore because those usually get eliminated in the "identify control volume" step? What about social obligation: if I'm suppose to help people...how should I help them? Again, where do I go from here?

• Where's that line between being stuck up, and simply just being better? For example: lately, I feel like I'm a pretentious bitch...now I just don't feel like meeting people anymore. I can't stand listening to people tell stories where every noun, adjective, verb, and adverb is the word fuck. Sometimes, the pure frequency of the word makes me lose interest in the story. I recently caught myself no longer paying attention to the dialogue, but instead counting the number of descriptive words that was over 5 letters and trying to come up with ways to use "fuck" as a predicate. I know I use that word occasionally, but it has a limit. Am I truly better than this or am I really a pretentious bitch? How do you tell the difference? Is there a difference?

• I've never considered anyone to be my role model...I've always found someone that I didn't like about someone to take the out of the role model category...a "turning point." I have a whole list of thing I didn't want to be (obviously, since I'm in this position, I've failed at some of those)...but I don't have a positive list...things I want to be. How do invert the list and make any sense of it? I know what I don't want...but how do I make this a list of what I do want when the options aren't black or white?

• I know I'm unhappy; I'm working at a job I don't like, living in a place I hate, and surviving close to an environment that I've worked so hard to get away from. I hate myself for having to drive my car like all the other southern Californians and contributing to the air pollution problem of LA. It's really sad, that the best thing in my life right now is that little puppy at my mom's house, that I have to drive my pollution creating car over 60 miles to get to see on the weekends. What the hell was I suppose to learn from all of this? There has to be a life lesson in all of this...what the fuck is it?

I don't see my "glass" as being half empty or half full...the questions are "wtf am I putting in this glass?" "whose glass is it?" And, "why are we trying to put things in it in the first place" I know I probably have more points for step one...but my hands are tired. Good night.

Gotta Start Somewhere

Welcome to my new blog. After all that has happened to me in the past year, I felt like my xanga (http://milknwookies.xanga.com/) was inappropriate. I'm not the same person I was a year ago...not even close. The person I was a year ago...the one who walked across the stage in Zellerbach to receive my diploma: bright-eyed/bushy tailed, hopeful, excited to join the work force, excited to apply everything that was learned in labs and in lecture, excited to make a difference in the world, and most of all excited to finally be "out the door"...that person would be disgusted with the person I've become. I am disgusted with the person I've become.

I'm not sure how I got to where I am now, but I know I need to find a map and get out fast. I've got less than a year to put myself back together...find a direction...find motivation...and hopefully by finding those two things I will also come across happiness. This is my attempt to organize my thoughts, identify my fears and weakness, and hopefully put myself back together stronger than I was before. I believe all things happen for a reason...I'm stuck here for a reason...I just wish I knew what that reason was.