Seriously, again?!?!

If the 2008 taught me anything...it's that I have this ginormous fear of commitment...more accurately, it's the fear of being stuck. And 2009, definitely, isn't helping my case.

Today I went for an interview with the Camarillo Health Care District to do some volunteering. It was going to be my new stance to getting to like Camarillo and help the community at the same time. I was interested in being a server at the senior citizen cafe during my lunch break...once a week...every week. (Everyweek! That's progress, right?) Somehow the lady I was interviewing with just didn't understand me. She spoke to me like I was mentally retarded with very slow, simple sentences and lots of hand gestures. And, somehow everything I told her, she interpreted the opposite. Am I so Asian that people don't understand my English?!? I mean, shit...my English is probably better than most people's. If I inserted the word fuck 3x in every sentence maybe my Engrish would have translated better?

I told her 1.) I'm interested in volunteering, 2.)I have a flexible work schedule, but I like to be at work in the mornings and volunteering in the morning would not be a good fit. 3.) I hate driving. 4.) I moved here recently, and this is my way to get to know people and help the community...sounds good right? This was me fighting my fear of commitment. I wanted to help in the position that requires a commitment EVERY WEEK serving food. BUT, that definitely, not what I ended up with. Instead, she signed me up to drive my car to help deliver magazines around the city and send out bulk mail in the mornings. And the volunteering position I requested was available...I found it on craigslist for crying out loud. So I go and take this leap, and now I'm committed to do things I don't like. (I didn't have the heart to say, "I don't want to volunteer here anymore because you're a dumb bitch who can't listen for beans.") Seriously, fuck committment. And fuck me for not being able to speak stand up for myself...now I'm stuck in this undersired world of volunteering as well as consulting.

After I left the Health Care Distrct's office, I sat and cried in my car. Committed agiain. Stuck again. Somewhere between Ponderosa and Avenida Acaso, the sad and frustrated turned into angry. The anger wasn't directed at anyone; it was more of a general angry. I'm angry at myself for getting into these "stuck" situations. I'm angry at myself for committing to my car payments which makes me stay at my job. I'm angry at the rent I have to pay each month and can't leave whenever I want. I'm angry at all of my stuff that makes it hard to move. And mostly, I'm angry at the fuckin' economy for making it so damn hard to find or keep a job. (On the plus side if I moved from sad to angry...does this mean I'm progressing?)

So...this is the plan I came up with today. I'm going to liquidate my committments. I'm going to depleate my bank account and pay off the entire car next month (my savings account makes less interest than the car payment anyway). I'm going to sell/goodwill all the stuff I don't need anymore so that it's easy to move. And I'm going to start studying for the GRE, LSAT and GMAT...so that I can leave this place soon. (And i'm going to buy my lifetime membership to CAA. I have no problems committing to CAL even if it did stomp on my dream. go bears, ruin the dreams.)